mourning

A light breeze blew through the morning air as the military honor guard removed the flag with the stars and stripes from the blue and silver coffin, folded it, and handed the flag to the widow. Surrounded by her children and grandchildren, she quietly accepted the flag and words of appreciation for her late husband's service to her country.

For me it was the second funeral in just a few weeks. My two friends, one who is now a widower, one who is now a widow, lost their spouses early. Neither of the two deceased had reached the biblical “seventy” years.

A fact of life

Death is a fact of life - for all of us. We are startled by this reality when someone we know and love dies. Why does it seem that we are never fully prepared to lose a friend or loved one to death? We know death is inevitable, but we live as if we will never die.

After suddenly facing our loss and our own vulnerability, we still have to move on. In too short a time we are expected to act as always - to be the same person - while knowing all along that we will never be the same.

What we need is time, time to go through the grief - through the hurt, the anger, the guilt. We need time to heal. The traditional year may be enough time for some and not for others. Studies show that big decisions about moving, finding another job, or remarrying should not be made during this time. The young widow or widower should wait until he or she is mentally, physically, and emotionally balanced before making far-reaching decisions in their life.

Grief can be overwhelming, excruciating, and debilitating. But no matter how terrible, the bereaved have to get through this phase. Those who try to block or avoid their feelings are only prolonging their experience. Grief is part of the process we must go through in order to get to the other side - to fully recover from our painful loss. What should we expect during this time?

Relationships change

The death of a spouse turns a married couple into a single. A widow or widower has to make a great social adjustment. Your married friends will still be their friends, but the relationship will not be the same. Widows and widows must add at least one or two other people to their circle of friends who are in the same situation. Only another person who has suffered the same can truly understand and share the burden of grief and loss.

The greatest need for most widows and widowers is human contact. Talking to someone who knows and understands what you are going through can be hugely encouraging. And when the opportunity arises, they can impart the same comfort and encouragement to other people in need.

While it may not be easy for some, there comes a time when we need to psychologically let go of our former partner. Sooner or later we will no longer be allowed to “feel married”. The marriage vow lasts “till death do us part”. If we need to remarry in order to achieve our life goals, then we should feel free to do so.

Our life and our work must go on. We were placed on this earth and given a single life span to form the character we will need for eternity. Yes, we should mourn and we mustn't shorten this mourning work too quickly, but we only have a relatively few years on this planet. We must finally go beyond this suffering - we must start working, serving, and living life to the full again.

Responding to loneliness and guilt

You will experience loneliness with your deceased spouse for quite a long time. Every little object that reminds you of him or her will often bring tears to your eyes. You may not be in control when those tears come. That is to be expected. Do not feel shame or embarrassment about expressing your feelings. Those who know their situation will understand and appreciate your deep love for your spouse and your sense of loss.
During these lonely hours, you will not only feel lonely but also feel guilty. It is only natural to look back and say to yourself: "What would have been who?" Or "Why didn't I?" Or "Why did I?" It would be wonderful if we were all perfect, but we are not. We could all find something to feel guilty about when one of our loved ones dies.

Learn from this experience, but don't let it take hold. If you haven't shown enough love or appreciation for your partner, make a decision now to become a more loving person who values ​​others more. We cannot relive the past, but we can certainly change something about our future.

Elderly widows

Widows, especially older widows, suffer longer from the pain of loneliness and grief. The pressures of lower economic standing plus the couple-centered society we live in, combined with the pressures of old age, are often very crippling for them. But if you are one of those widows, you must accept that you now have a new role in your life. You have a lot to give to share with others, no matter how old you are.

If you have not developed some of your talents because of responsibilities to your husband and family, now would be an ideal time to correct them. When further training is required, schools or seminars are usually available. You may be surprised to see how many people with gray hair are in these classes. You will likely find that they have little trouble getting on par with their younger colleagues. It's amazing what serious devotion to study can do.

It's time you set some goals. If formal education is not for you, analyze your skills and abilities. What do you really like to do? Go to a library and read a few books and become an expert in the field. If you enjoy inviting people, do so. Learn to be a great host or hostess. If you cannot afford the groceries necessary for lunch or dinner, have everyone bring a dish. Get more involved in your life. Become an interesting person and you will find other people attracted to you.

Take good care of your health

A very important aspect of life that many people neglect is good health. Pain over losing someone can be physically and mentally blown. This can be especially true of men. Now is not the time to neglect your health. Schedule an appointment for a medical exam. Take care of your diet, weight, and cholesterol level. Did you know that depression can be controlled by adding more exercise to your daily routine?

According to your ability, get good comfortable shoes and start walking. Make a plan for walks. For some, the early morning hours are best. Others may prefer this later in the day. Going for a walk is also a good activity to include with friends. If walking is impossible for you, find some other smart way to exercise. But no matter what you do, start moving.

Avoid alcohol as a crutch

Be extremely careful about the use of alcohol and other drugs. Many have tried to eradicate their ailments by abusing their bodies with excess alcohol or the ill-advised use of sedatives. Alcohol is not a cure for depression. It's a sedative. And like other drugs, it's addicting. Some widows and widowers became alcoholics.

Wise advice is to avoid such crutches. That doesn't mean that you have to refuse to drink at a social occasion, but always very moderately. Never drink alone. Drinking wine, glass on glass, or consuming other alcohol to sleep at night doesn't help either. Alcohol disrupts sleeping habits and can make you tired. A glass of warm milk works much better.

Don't isolate yourself

Keep in touch with family. It is mostly the woman who writes, calls or otherwise keeps in touch with the family. A widower may have a tendency to ignore these duties and thus feel extremely isolated. As time goes by, you may want to move closer to your family. In our mobile society, families are often scattered. Widows or widowers are often found hundreds or thousands of kilometers away from their closest relatives.

But again, don't rush. Your long-standing home, surrounded by familiar neighbors, may be your haven. Plan family reunions, examine your family tree, start a family history book. Be an asset, not a liability. As in all situations in life, you shouldn't wait for opportunities. Instead, you should go out and find them.

Serve you!

Look for opportunities to serve. Associate with all age groups. Younger singles need to be able to talk to older people. Children need contact with people who have the time to pay them attention. Young mothers need help. The sick need encouragement. Offer your help wherever help is needed and where you are able to do it. Don't just sit around and wait, hoping someone will ask you to go or do something.

Be the most worried, best neighbor in the apartment block or complex. Some days it will take more effort than others, but it will be worth it.

Don't neglect your children

Children deal with death differently depending on their age and personality. If you have children who are still at home, remember that you are just as traumatized by the death of your spouse as you are. Those who seem to need the least attention may be those who need your help most. Lock your children in your grief. If they express these together, it will forge them closer together as a family.

Try to get your household back on track as soon as possible. Your children need the stability that only you can give and you also need it. If you need a to-do list of what to do every hour and every day, go for it.

Questions about death

The points in this article are physical things that you can do to help you through this most difficult time in your life. But the death of a loved one can also lead you to seriously question the meaning of life. The friends I named at the beginning of this article feel the loss of your spouse, but they are not desperate or hopeless in that loss. You understand that life here and now is temporary and that God has much more in store for you and your loved ones than the difficulties and trials of this fleeting physical life. Even though death is the natural end of life, God is deeply concerned about the life and death of every individual who belongs to His people. Physical death is not the end. Our Creator, who knows every sparrow that falls to the ground, will certainly not overlook the death of any of its human creatures. God is aware of this and cares for you and your loved ones.

by Sheila Graham